You can belive this conversation happened...

One of my great pleasures each month is National Review and I always read Rob Long’s The Long View. As I said, you can see this conversation happening…and for once I’m in Bill Clinton’s corner!

The Long View BY ROB LONG, August 2nd 2010 National Review, Copyright National Review (RIP Bill)

NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY SATELLITE MONITOR DOCUMENT EXTRACT:
CELLPHONE CONVERSATION

Static. Ringing.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: Hello? Background noise. Note: no available means to isolate and remove noise.Best guess: vuvuzela.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:Um, hi, Bill. It’s me.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: Me Gotta do better than that, pal. I’m aw - fully busy here.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #3:Bill, are you watching this, mate?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: Trying to, Mick. Let me just dump this call nd—
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2:Bill, it’s me. It’s Al.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #1: Al. Al, as in . . .?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #2: Al Gore. It’s Al Gore.
Static. Vuvuzela.
AL GORE: Hello?
BILL CLINTON: I’m here.
AL GORE: This is awkward.
BILL CLINTON: Mick, you are never going to believe who this is.
AL GORE: Can you not . . . can we just . . .
BILL CLINTON: In the first place, how did you get this number?
AL GORE: It’s an iPhone. I’m an Apple board member. It’s one of the perks.
BILL CLINTON: You’ve been getting a lot of perks lately, from what I read in the papers.
AL GORE: This is hard enough for me,okay? Can you not make it harder?
BILL CLINTON: That’s what—
AL GORE: Please! I’m having a crisis.
BILL CLINTON: And you called me?
AL GORE: I don’t know anyone else to call. I don’t know anyone else who’s been accused of this kind of thing before.
BILL CLINTON: Is that your creepy way of trying to flatter me?
AL GORE: I need some advice.
BILL CLINTON: Oh, so now you want my advice? Look, my advice is the same it’s always been. Go for the plump ones. They’re grateful for the attention. The hotties just make trouble.
AL GORE: Thanks, but I just need the name of a good lawyer—
BILL CLINTON: And don’t ever call one of those escort services! What were you thinking?
AL GORE: I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. I was tense. I had a sore neck. I just . . .
I would never, you know, pay for that kind of thing.
BILL CLINTON: Listen, bud, everybody pays for it. In one way or another.
AL GORE: God, this is so embarrassing. You have no idea how humiliating this is for me, calling you.
BILL CLINTON: Wow. More flattery. You’re good with people, Al. Can’t think why people found you so off putting and weird.
AL GORE: I won the popular vote.
BILL CLINTON: I’ll never really figure that out.
AL GORE: Are you going to help me or not?
BILL CLINTON: Yes, yes. Of course I’ll help you. I’m sort of tied up right now with the World Cup. You follow the World Cup, Al?
AL GORE: Well, yes, of course. I’ve always believed that our country has a myopic view of sport. We need a more global perspective. Football—and I use that term, as it’s the world’s most popular sport—is a game that—
BILL CLINTON: Al? I’m hanging up the phone, now.
AL GORE: Wait. Sorry. I’m sorry.
BILL CLINTON: You just carry those little speeches around in your head all the time, don’t you?
AL GORE: I’m a visionary world leader. It’s what I do.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE VOICE #3: Bill, are we watching the game or are we talking on the mobile?
BILL CLINTON: Sorry, Mick. Just helping out an old colleague.
AL GORE: Is that Mick Jagger? Can I talk to him?
BILL CLINTON: We’re sort of busy right now. Look, here are the guys I used. Greg Craig and David Boies. Craig’s great, but he’s a snake. Totally dis loyal. Backed Obama against Hillary, a real backstabber. Boies is terrific, and will get the job done.
AL GORE: Do you have Craig’s number?
BILL CLINTON: I’ll text it to you.
AL GORE: Thanks.
BILL CLINTON: Anything else I can help you with? I’d like to get back to the game. I’d offer up the name of a good divorce attorney, but I don’t know any. Never needed one. Hillary and I are pretty rock-solid. Yeah, amazing how great a long-term partnership can be, isn’t it? Marriage really is the glue that holds society
together. You wrote a book about that, didn’t you?
AL GORE: Could you just send me the number?
BILL CLINTON: Two books, actually, if memory serves. I guess “irony” is the word, huh?
AL GORE: Please spare me the lectures.
BILL CLINTON: Again, coming from you, irony.
Ding.
AL GORE: Just got the text. Thank you.
BILL CLINTON: Any time, Al. I’m here for you.
AL GORE: I appreciate your help. I really do. I know I may have said some things, publicly, in the past, about you that might have come off as . . .
BILL CLINTON: Nasty? Smug? Pom -pous?
AL GORE: . . . judgmental. And for that I apologize. With all of this stuff happening
to me right now . . . I mean, I’ve just got to get out from under this ridiculous thing.
BILL CLINTON: That’s what she said.
AL GORE: Goodbye, Bill.
Static. End transmission.