Stupid things cops get told. And how we really want to answer them.

One of the greatest pleasures I've had in my professional career was giving a ticket to the wife of the lieutenant governor who was only driving 37 in a 20 (school zone) because she was going to a meeting to help some children. I know this because...she told me. Some people really don't understand that I don't care if you are a politician, a musician, a famous businessman (I've pulled over all). Just sign here and take it up with the judge.

Saw this on the web and has a few good responses. The non-italics are mine.

Stuff People Say to Cops and What We'd Like to Say in Response

As a longtime officer of the law, I came in contact with many individuals over my career. And during that time, I heard a lot of the same tired things over and over.

After a while, it becomes all the more difficult to filter your response from your contemplated response. Here were some of my favorites.

1) "Do you know who I am?" — stopped motorist

My Response:
"No sir, I’m sorry I don’t. Could I please get your license and registration so I can conduct the stop and get you moving again as quickly as possible?"

My Contemplated Response:
"Grab my radio and ask dispatch for an ambulance. We have an adult male suffering from some a case amnesia, as he doesn’t remember his own name."

No, should I expect you have a warrant?

2) "Don’t you have anything better to do? Why aren’t you out catching real criminals?"

My Response:
"Sir, sorry I have upset your day. If you could just bear with me for a minute, I’m sure we can sort all this out."

My Contemplated Response:
"Yes I do, but people like you keep wasting my time with actions that show a willful disregard for the law and the concerns of others."

No, I got nothing better to do right now than give you a ticket. It brings pleasure to my meaningless life.

3) "My tax dollars pay your salary."

My Response:
"Yes, sir I am aware of that. Thank you."

My Contemplated Response:
"Sir, I’m well aware of that. Thank You. Now let’s do some quick math. Let’s imagine you pay 4x more than the average tax paid in the city ($5,200 x 4 = $20,0800). Now divide that by the number of days in a year that the department is open (365). That means you pay 56.90 a day for our salaries.

Now sir, if you would consider that I have 2999 other co-workers, we need to divide 56.90 by 3000 employees. That means you contribute approximately 18 cents a day for my salary. We won’t even take into account that your taxes also go to support school, public works, fire, EMS, and a host of other city expenses.

I’m most grateful for your economic support. After we are done, if you’re not happy I would be happy to return your contribution to my daily wages. Do you have change for a quarter?"

I also pay taxes so as far as I'm concerned I'm self-employed.

4) "Will this help you fill your daily quota?"

My Response:
"Sorry sir, no one likes getting a ticket. You have 21 days to pay it or appeal it. The instructions are on the back."

My Contemplated Response: "No sir, I don’t have a quota. I am free to cite as many jerks like you as I want. Luckily there is no limit."

Not even close but ten more today and I get a free toaster.

5) "Why didn’t you pull over the guy who was in front of me? He was doing the same thing."

My Response:
"Sorry sir, I didn’t see him. I certainly would have if I had."

My Contemplated Response:
"Because sir, I want to give you my undivided attention free of any distractions to ensure we have a quality traffic stop together."

Well, I can only get one of you and it's your lucky day.

6) "Do you see that policeman over there? If you don’t start behaving, he’s going to take you to jail." — mother to misbehaving child

My Response:
"Ma’am, we only arrest bad guys."

My Contemplated Response:
"Thanks a lot ma’am. It’s a great idea to instill that type of fear in your child. That way he will fear and distrust police from an early age. If he’s ever lost or in trouble he will run from those who can help him. You need a license to drive a car, but anyone can have a child."

Excuse me lady, I'm not gonna arrest your kid because you can't discipline your child. You can't raise or feed them, please don't breed them.

7) "Sir, I only had two beers."

My Response:
"Just 2 beers? Sir, is there any medical condition I should be aware of that may be impacting your driving ability?"

My Contemplated Response:
"No you didn’t!!! Nobody in the history of recorded time has had just 2 beers."

Please specify "two beers". Two six packs, two pitchers, two kegs?

8) "You forgot to read me my rights. This case is going to be thrown out of court." — arrested suspect

My Response:
"Yes sir, the Miranda decision is a little complicated."

My Contemplated Response:
"Sir, you so thoroughly screwed up, providing us with so much evidence against you that there exists no need to get a statement from you. No one cares what you have to say. You need to stop watching TV."

Gotta ask, what year of law school are you in?

9) “Are you an undercover cop? You know you have to tell me if you are or the case gets thrown out?”

My Response:
"I’m not a cop. Are you?"

My Contemplated Response:
"Are you an idiot? Do you really think the law requires undercover cops to inform criminals that they are cops when they are working a case? What do you think, everyone who has gone to jail due to undercover operations simply forgot to ask this question?"

Where did you get your legal education, YouTube?

Any other good comments to add?