But in this season of giving I'm glad to see Iowa Hawk is offering advise for these people who need help getting real jobs. It's a bit long but worth the read...I'll hit the highlights here:
So you lost your election: A outplacement transition guide to life beyond Washington for former members and associates of Congress
Losing a job can be a challenging and stress-filled time. Especially during the holidays, and especially for someone like you - the soon-to-be former team associate of the United States Congress. ....
...And that's where this brochure comes in. At Iowahawk Congressional Outplacement Services our primary goal is to orient, retrain, and mainstream former employees of Capitol Hill for productive careers outside Washington. While we can't get you back your seniority, your perks, or your mahogany-paneled office in the Dirksen Building, we can give you the tools you'll need after your ignominious rejection by those bastard ingrates you'll soon be living among. Follow this step-by-step guide and you'll be back on your feet in no time! Probably.
Step 1: Assess Your Skills and Competencies
The road to your new non-Washington career begins with an inventory of your personal strengths and competencies. Read the critical skill list below, and circle the ones that you possess.
Telling other people what to do
Demanding money
Peddling influence
Talking loudly over others
Condescension / arrogance
Threatening, browbeating, arguing
Narcissism
Evading responsibility
Spin control
As a former Washington professional, you probably circled four or more of the above. Yes, there are some private sector industries where these skills are valued - such as journalism, bill collection, professional wrestling, higher education, and carnival barking. Unfortunately, these are all declining industries with low wages and/or fierce job competition. In order to maintain your standard of living, you will probably have to seek employment in other industries where you will find surprisingly little demand for your skills.
FAQs (frequently asked questions)
Instead of seeking a job, what if I decided to leverage my congressional skills in my own business?
While entrepreneurship can sometimes be very lucrative, it is a good idea to check with law enforcement officials. Under some federal and local statutes your new business may be interpreted as organized crime.
Step 2: Familiarize Yourself With Your New Industry
In order to land that good job back in your home district, you first need to understand the ins and outs of the non-Washington economic system. Unlike Washington's easy-to-understand system of leveraging raw unbridled rulemaking and police power to extract tribute from fearful and/or favor-seeking constituents, non-Washington industries are largely based on the production of "goods" or "services." It sounds complicated, but the basic idea boils down to making things or doing things that other people will pay for. The complicated part is to remember that they must pay for them voluntarily.
For example, let's consider a hypothetical barber, and let's call him 'Joe.' Joe does something - namely, he cuts people's hair. The people whose hair Joe cuts enter his barbershop voluntarily, and pay him for his service, also voluntarily. Why? Probably because they desired a haircut, or possibly because they enjoy his amusing patter and racy magazine selection. The important thing to remember is that they paid for the haircuts voluntarily. Obviously, with his sharp implements and razors, once a customer is in his chair Joe could threaten to stab him or slit his throat unless he forks over his wallet and jewelry. Unfortunately, this would probably reduce the number of customers coming to Joe's barbershop.
As a former member of Congress the challenge for you is to identify those things you can make, or things you can do, and target employers accordingly. List them in the spaces below.
Things I can make*: ____________________________________________________________________
Things I can do*: _______________________________________________________________________
*remember, list only those things that people will pay for voluntarily
Are you finished? If your space is blank, don't worry. This is true of most Capitol Hill professionals. There are ways you can gain these skills which we will cover in Step 3.
FAQs
I have been told I was a good legislative salesman when I was in Congress. Does this count as a 'thing I can do'?
There is always demand for good salesmen and saleswomen in the private sector, but peddling influence and selling goods and services often require different skill sets. For example, you will not be allowed to persuade customers by outlawing your competition.
What if Joe hung a big sign on his barber pole announcing expensive fines and penalties for people who stop coming to his barbershop?
In principle this is a good idea, but Joe will need someone to voluntarily enforce his fines. He could subcontract enforcement to the Mafia, but even if this was legal the Mafia would probably demand a large commission of any fines they collect for Joe.
...Step 7: Going on Public Assistance
After a few months of job interviews, you will likely find that you are still unemployed. Even if you somehow manage to get a job, it is only a matter of time before your employer observes your performance and you find yourself back on the street. In either case, your next stop is applying for public assistance.
Yes, there once was a stigma associated with being "on the dole," but that is largely a thing of the past. Today, more Americans than ever are receiving unemployment checks, food stamps, and welfare -- in large part thanks to your years of hard work in Washington. So don't be embarrassed, go for all the government funded gusto you can. That's what it's there for! After all, haven't you really been on public assistance since you were first elected?
FAQs
Is it too much to ask my benefits caseworker to address me as 'Senator'? I've worked so hard to get this job.
Uhh... sure, whatever. Senator.
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